Have yourself a socially distanced Christmas,
Bask in UV light
From now on
Our faces will be out of sight
Have yourself a coronavirus Christmas
Make sure your Amazon bill is paid
From now on, our colleagues will stay six feet away
Here we are as in olden days
Those 1918 Flu Pandemic days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Are at St. Elizabeth’s
On a vent on the ICU floor
Maybe next year we all will be together
If the states allow
Maybe Moderna and Pfizer will save us somehow
And have yourself, a coronavirus Christmas now…
Can you tell I’m just a little stir crazy, deep in the throes of Coronavirus Cabin Fever? If you have to work on this holiday, or you’re off but the family Christmas gathering has been called off this year, take heart in these COVID-19 Christmas carols:
10. Do You Hear What I Hear? Wait, I don’t hear anything. Can you guys hear anything? Denise, unmute your microphone. FOR PITY’S SAKE, SOMEONE MESSAGE DENISE IN THE CHAT AND TELL HER TO UNMUTE HER MICROPHONE!
9. Away in a Manger, no crib for a bed ... man, this PICU census is getting out of control! What’s next, we set up tent hospitals in the Bethlehem Stadium parking lot?
8. Jingle Bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way … damn it, is that Bed Six again? Am I the only one listening around here? WILL SOMEONE GO TROUBLESHOOT BED SIX’S VENTILATOR ALARM??
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer … cute mask, Harold. Very festive. But if you don’t pull that red nose on it up to cover your own nose, we’re not gonna let you play in our reindeer games.
6. Silver Bells, silver bells, it’s Christmas time in the … all right, which one of you jokers programmed all the IV pump alarms to play Silver Bells? Mr. Johnson’s IV infusion finished 10 minutes ago, and I’ve been her happily humming along while charting, singing Bing Crosby in my head!
5. O Little Town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie ... man, downtown Bethlehem is a ghost town tonight! You think any of these restaurants and stores will ever reopen?
4. Go Tell It On the Mountain, over the hills and everywhere. Go tell it on the mountain… seriously dude, tell everybody you know, the vaccine ain’t gonna make you sprout a second head. And stop listening to Antivaxxer Karen over in that loony Facebook group.
3. We Three Kings of Orient Are, bearing gifts we traverse afar … what’s that? Nah, man, we ain’t got gold, frankincense and myrrh. We brought the kid something even more precious: toilet paper, N95 masks, and Purell. Now, will you stop calling this a Chinese virus? Pretty please?
2. The Little Drummer Boy. Hey, who let the kid with the drum in here? “NO VISITORS” means no visitors! Has he even been screened? Somebody get a mask on that kid, and get that damned ox and lamb out of here! Did we learn nothing from the bats and pangolins?
1. Here Comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus … no, wait. That’s not Santa Claus, that’s just Carl still sporting his lockdown hair and beard. Damn, Carl, I know you’ve been working from home, but that’s no excuse to let yourself go like that! What have you put on, fifty pounds?
Have a Merry Christmas, everybody. 2020 is almost over, and 2021 is gonna be better.
Read next: The Top 10 EMS Christmas carols playlist
